we're chasing vodka with high fives
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
