Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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