i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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