I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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