she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize