Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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