So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sponge bath it is.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
