is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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