my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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