The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
