I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
