I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just blew my weed a kiss
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
