Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
this hospital has no fireball
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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