He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
