Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
