Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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