you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
