if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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