I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
