So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
