I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I would fuck him just for his dog
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize