Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
