So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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