I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
