Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Randomize
