Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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