Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
