You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I stole a fireplace last night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
