Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I will pee on everything he values.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
True strength comes from lack of pants
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
