Well douche your snatch and let's go!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
