apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
