You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
