I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Is it because I queefed?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
