I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
