So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
