guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
