you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
