i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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