so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
