I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
