wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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