guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
