i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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