You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
