R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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