took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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