True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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