How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
