when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
