I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
