Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
