My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Randomize
