New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
