I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
