he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Found the puke drawer
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
