my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
